Cravings

Cravings are a normal part of life and of human nature. Maybe you've craved chocolate, cookies, lollies, a sausage roll from the bakery, hotdogs or pizza from time to time. But cravings aren't always associated with food. Sometimes you crave order, peace and quiet, weight loss, attention, help or money.  

 

I often associate cravings with wishful thinking. I wish someone would notice me, I wish someone would help me with my problem. But they all mean the same thing. They are all things we want in our lives, whether they are big or small. Sometimes these things come about, whether by sheer luck or whether you worked your tail end off for it. Sometimes they just don't, no matter the great intentions and efforts you may have put forth. This too is a normal part of life. Learning to deal with the ups and the downs.

 

Something I often find myself thinking about is what it must feel like to be successful in the parts of your life that are most important to you. I'm not talking about being famous, or having loads of money, or having a fancy car. I'm talking about my own kind of success. Success in the things I've made goals in. For the simple things. Things I've worked really hard for and invested time, blood, sweat and tears into.

 

I was going to list the 3 things that are most important to me right now. But I realised when I was having trouble writing down the words, that they all actually boil down into one word, one meaning, one thing.

 

I crave acceptance.

 

Acceptance for the person I am not.

Acceptance for my skills.

Acceptance for my the limitations of my illness.

4

At the end of last year I had a miscarriage. It was kind of heart shattering. After 4.5 years of trying to fall pregnant, I had done it, and then it was all gone before it really started. We didn't even know I was pregnant until the miscarriage started (I was only 4-5 weeks). But it gave us a new sense of hope. I COULD fall pregnant. My body wasn't as useless as I thought it was. 

Soon after I started to track my basal body temperature. It's so easy to do, you just take your temperature as soon as you wake up in the morning, and you record it. I use the Kindara app on my phone (it's free). You also can track other "things" to do with being a woman like symptoms of ovulating, menstruating etc. After tracking for a month or so you can start to see a pattern emerging and you know when things are going to happen in your cycle a day or two before they happen. 

Not one of my charts, but shows you how the chart works.

So I sort of became an expert at my own body this year. I am able to recognise from twinges or pinches what's happening, or about to happen. Being able to recognise these things from what I'm experiencing in my body and from tracking my temperature really comes in handy when you're trying to have a baby. 

Throughout the years of trying to have a baby I've come to learn that there are many women who don't actually know anything about ovulation. There are various reasons for not knowing about this. So let me explain JUST IN CASE you don't know anything or much about it. 

To conceive you need an egg and a swimmer. Eggs are made available by your body when you ovulate. 

Every woman ovulates at a different time. The "normal" time to ovulate is about 2 weeks after your period began. But of course not everyone's body does the same thing. So sometimes its during your period, sometimes its right after, sometimes it's right in the middle, or right before your next period. Every body has it's own kind of normal, or abnormal. Cause sometimes women don't ovulate regularly, or at all. 

So back to how it all happens. Your body makes the egg available and hopefully it gets to meet a happy little swimmer and they get to join up and have a great old time turning into a baby. 

Go swimmer, go!

It turns out I'm really good at making babies. I've managed to make 3 more this year! Yet here I sit at the end of the year on my couch and wonder who my 4 little people could have been. But that is another story for another day.

Christy




42 months

The word I cannot say

Fertile person:

"We are so excited! (insert corny poem or saying or phrase), we're pregnant!" 

Every person on earth:

"Congratulations!"

"WOW I am so thrilled for you"

"Congratulations!"

"I didn't know you were even trying, how exciting!"
"Congratulations!"

"Yay now our babies can grow up together!"

"Congratulations!"
"Oh my gosh I am so happy for you!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations you two, you are such wonderful parents"

"Congratulations!"

"Your kids are going to be the best big brothers and sisters"

"Congratulations!"

"I knew it, you were so clucky!"

"Congratulations!"

"Such wonderful news"

"Congratulations!"

"I knew you were going for another baby, how exciting."

"Congratulations!"

"I hope you have an amazing pregnancy, you are such an inspiration to me"

"Congratulations!"

"Oh my goodness I love your ever expanding family"

"Congratulations!"

"You look so beautiful pregnant, when are you due?"

"Congratulations!"

"I can't wait to meet your new family member, congrats!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

(and if it's announced on FB which lets be honest 90% of pregnancies are announced these days, all these comments are accompanied by 50,000 "likes" on the status).

Me:
*just keep scrolling down*

It's my coping mechanism. If I pretend it's not happening and don't "congratulate" the pregnant person or don't "like" the status, it's just easier. Basically, what I'm saying is, if you announce your pregnancy to me, I will most likely ignore you. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

I was speaking to a friend recently who is experiencing struggles with infertility also. We were talking about all the people who had announced pregnancies recently (there is quite literally at least someone new each week) and how we cope being surrounded by it. I found out she does the exact same thing as me! It made me feel less evil that's for sure.

So I will continue ignoring and pretending I didn't just hear you announce your pregnancy to keep sane. Sorry. But I know you'll get over it.

Christy