Cravings

Cravings are a normal part of life and of human nature. Maybe you've craved chocolate, cookies, lollies, a sausage roll from the bakery, hotdogs or pizza from time to time. But cravings aren't always associated with food. Sometimes you crave order, peace and quiet, weight loss, attention, help or money.  

 

I often associate cravings with wishful thinking. I wish someone would notice me, I wish someone would help me with my problem. But they all mean the same thing. They are all things we want in our lives, whether they are big or small. Sometimes these things come about, whether by sheer luck or whether you worked your tail end off for it. Sometimes they just don't, no matter the great intentions and efforts you may have put forth. This too is a normal part of life. Learning to deal with the ups and the downs.

 

Something I often find myself thinking about is what it must feel like to be successful in the parts of your life that are most important to you. I'm not talking about being famous, or having loads of money, or having a fancy car. I'm talking about my own kind of success. Success in the things I've made goals in. For the simple things. Things I've worked really hard for and invested time, blood, sweat and tears into.

 

I was going to list the 3 things that are most important to me right now. But I realised when I was having trouble writing down the words, that they all actually boil down into one word, one meaning, one thing.

 

I crave acceptance.

 

Acceptance for the person I am not.

Acceptance for my skills.

Acceptance for my the limitations of my illness.

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At the end of last year I had a miscarriage. It was kind of heart shattering. After 4.5 years of trying to fall pregnant, I had done it, and then it was all gone before it really started. We didn't even know I was pregnant until the miscarriage started (I was only 4-5 weeks). But it gave us a new sense of hope. I COULD fall pregnant. My body wasn't as useless as I thought it was. 

Soon after I started to track my basal body temperature. It's so easy to do, you just take your temperature as soon as you wake up in the morning, and you record it. I use the Kindara app on my phone (it's free). You also can track other "things" to do with being a woman like symptoms of ovulating, menstruating etc. After tracking for a month or so you can start to see a pattern emerging and you know when things are going to happen in your cycle a day or two before they happen. 

Not one of my charts, but shows you how the chart works.

So I sort of became an expert at my own body this year. I am able to recognise from twinges or pinches what's happening, or about to happen. Being able to recognise these things from what I'm experiencing in my body and from tracking my temperature really comes in handy when you're trying to have a baby. 

Throughout the years of trying to have a baby I've come to learn that there are many women who don't actually know anything about ovulation. There are various reasons for not knowing about this. So let me explain JUST IN CASE you don't know anything or much about it. 

To conceive you need an egg and a swimmer. Eggs are made available by your body when you ovulate. 

Every woman ovulates at a different time. The "normal" time to ovulate is about 2 weeks after your period began. But of course not everyone's body does the same thing. So sometimes its during your period, sometimes its right after, sometimes it's right in the middle, or right before your next period. Every body has it's own kind of normal, or abnormal. Cause sometimes women don't ovulate regularly, or at all. 

So back to how it all happens. Your body makes the egg available and hopefully it gets to meet a happy little swimmer and they get to join up and have a great old time turning into a baby. 

Go swimmer, go!

It turns out I'm really good at making babies. I've managed to make 3 more this year! Yet here I sit at the end of the year on my couch and wonder who my 4 little people could have been. But that is another story for another day.

Christy




42 months

The word I cannot say

Fertile person:

"We are so excited! (insert corny poem or saying or phrase), we're pregnant!" 

Every person on earth:

"Congratulations!"

"WOW I am so thrilled for you"

"Congratulations!"

"I didn't know you were even trying, how exciting!"
"Congratulations!"

"Yay now our babies can grow up together!"

"Congratulations!"
"Oh my gosh I am so happy for you!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations you two, you are such wonderful parents"

"Congratulations!"

"Your kids are going to be the best big brothers and sisters"

"Congratulations!"

"I knew it, you were so clucky!"

"Congratulations!"

"Such wonderful news"

"Congratulations!"

"I knew you were going for another baby, how exciting."

"Congratulations!"

"I hope you have an amazing pregnancy, you are such an inspiration to me"

"Congratulations!"

"Oh my goodness I love your ever expanding family"

"Congratulations!"

"You look so beautiful pregnant, when are you due?"

"Congratulations!"

"I can't wait to meet your new family member, congrats!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

(and if it's announced on FB which lets be honest 90% of pregnancies are announced these days, all these comments are accompanied by 50,000 "likes" on the status).

Me:
*just keep scrolling down*

It's my coping mechanism. If I pretend it's not happening and don't "congratulate" the pregnant person or don't "like" the status, it's just easier. Basically, what I'm saying is, if you announce your pregnancy to me, I will most likely ignore you. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

I was speaking to a friend recently who is experiencing struggles with infertility also. We were talking about all the people who had announced pregnancies recently (there is quite literally at least someone new each week) and how we cope being surrounded by it. I found out she does the exact same thing as me! It made me feel less evil that's for sure.

So I will continue ignoring and pretending I didn't just hear you announce your pregnancy to keep sane. Sorry. But I know you'll get over it.

Christy

Feeling lost

 

Rough days still happen, and I think they will always happen. I try not to dwell on negative thoughts, or on dreams and aspirations because it just creates this tornado of sadness and confusion and questions, but I've been feeling particularly lost lately. I have really noticed it in the past 2-3 months.

 

It's hard to describe. It almost feels like the world is in fast forward and I'm standing still watching it zoom right past me. Everyone is busy doing things, going places, having fun and living a full and happy and hectic life. And I'm just standing there watching, looking lost.

 

I need to find a way to snap out of it. Find something different to do, maybe take up a new hobby, or find a way to spend a little more time out of the house.

 

What do you do when you're feeling lost?




28 months.

 

 

 



Never give up.

I was feeling a little blue last night. I think a lot of it stemmed down to the fact that I had a really big weekend, working lots and not much sleep in between it all. Then to mix into it, they talked a little bit about blessings of being a mother at church in the Relief Society lesson (women's group) yesterday.

I found myself, without realising, questioning why this was chosen to be my challenge. When I start on this train of thought, it really gets me down. Once I realised what I was thinking about, I knew I needed to dig myself out of the pit before I got in too deep. I went searching for upliftment, and luckily I found it in the way of a Mormon Message on YouTube.

This part of the Mormon Message was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

"I remember when I was preparing to be trained as a fighter pilot. We spent a great deal of our preliminary military training in physical exercise. I’m still not exactly sure why endless running was considered such an essential preparatory part of becoming a pilot. Nevertheless, we ran and we ran and we ran some more.

As I was running I began to notice something that, frankly, troubled me. Time and again I was being passed by men who smoked, drank, and did all manner of things that were contrary to the gospel and, in particular, to the Word of Wisdom.

I remember thinking, “Wait a minute! Aren’t I supposed to be able to run and not be weary?” I asked myself, was the promise true or was it not?

The answer didn’t come immediately. But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope.

Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessing.  The work of patience boils down to this. Keep the commandments. Trust in God our Heavenly Father. Serve him with meekness and Christlike love. Exercise faith and hope in the Saviour, and never give up."

 

 

Numb

I have been feeling really numb.  Out of touch.  Dreamy.  Strange.

 

It's an unusual feeling. 

 

Time is passing quickly.  Days & weeks are blurring.  It feels like not much has happened.  I know I have been doing a lot lately, going out, doing things, hanging out with people, doing family stuff.  I've had some massive deadlines I've had to meet.  Custom orders. So much stuff.  But it has all blurred together and it honestly feels like not much has been going on.

 

It feels like all that stuff I've been doing, didn't really happen. 

 

Emotionally, I've changed.  The way emotion affects me, is a way it has never affected me before. It's weird.  I don't get as upset as I used to talking about the fact we don't have kids, and that we haven't been able to get pregnant.  I guess that fact has sunken in a little more.  It's not as fresh and harsh. I seem to be able to just say it how it is. 

 

But other stuff is affecting me. I've been trying to figure out how to explain it.  I guess I'm struggling with "tender moments".  Last night I was cuddling my baby nephew who was extremely overtired and it was past his bedtime.  I was rocking him in his bedroom patting his bum.  He wasn't keen on the idea of going to sleep and was whinging a fair bit.  So I started singing to him.  But I had to stop after a minute, because I made myself cry. Instead I started talking to him.  I seemed to be able to handle that better. 

 

I guess the worst part about this numb, dreamy state of time blurring together, is it feels like I have my period every other week.  It certainly doesn't feel like I've had a 3 week break in between each time.  

 

Oh, and I know 18 people who are pregnant now.  Stop falling pregnant people.  It's getting really annoying.

 

27 months.

How I feel...

 

Amen.

Mad

I don't know what makes me more mad.

 

1. Finding out someone else is pregnant.  10th person in 2 months.

 

2. Finding out people have opinions about why you're not pregnant.  Number 1 opinion being because you're fat and "if she wants a baby so bad why doesn't she just lose weight, dah!". Go on, say it to my face, I dare you.

 

3. Getting my period for the 26th time when I don't want it, and getting a UTI at the same time.

 

4. Being ignored because people don't know what to say to you anymore because you're childless and it makes them feel uncomfortable and weird around you.

 

5. Finding out part of the reason some people ignore you is they think that all you ever think about is infertility and you live in a world of constant moaning and groaning and "oh whoa is me".

 

6. People telling you to be more positive. 

 

 

I really could go on.  I'm mad at the world today and I don't care. 

 

 

I don't want to talk about it.

Quite literally.  The last thing I want to do, is talk about families.  About how a family functions with children in the home.  And the last place I would want to talk about families is in public.  Anyone who is, or has experienced infertility knows what I mean.  You just eliminate that kind of talk from your life because it just causes upset.  For those who don't know, it's like being forced to talk about something that upsets you, or makes you feel uncomfortable.  It's like getting up in front of a group of 200 people and talking all about menstrual cycles, or about how someone close to you died horrifically.  You just have absolutely no desire to do it. 

 

So how do I get out of this Sacrament talk?  Any ideas?

 

 

It's exhausting

It takes it out of you all the time.  It drains you every day.  If I don't get at least 8 hours sleep I'm a wreck.  Your brain ticks non stop.  You wonder.  You mourn.  You dream.  You cry.  You try and get lost in things that you need to get done.  But it's always there.  It never leaves you alone.  You try and stay composed.  You try to cry quietly and discretely.  You can't do anything about it.  You don't have any money to do anything about it.  So you try and celebrate the small things.  But it doesn't help.  You just feel like an idiot for celebrating stupid things.  You daydream a lot.  Get lost in your thoughts.  Sometimes it's hard to do the basics.  You force yourself.  It takes days to put away the laundry.  You cook dinner but only once or twice a week.  It's too hard.  It's not like you have a family to cook it for.  Luckily you do have a husband that doesn't care though.  Phew.  You have others over that have kids and you get annoyed by the mess they make.  Then you wonder why it annoyed you.  Don't you want that?  Isn't that what consumes your thoughts? Dreams? 

 

25 months.

 

It's so confusing.  And exhausting.  And it never seems to end.

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Foot in mouth disease

Foot in mouth disease is real.  I'm sure we've all met someone with it at some stage of our adult lives. It's so sad to see how it affects peoples minds and thought patterns and the sounds that come out of their mouths. 

 

I'm a member of a few infertility forums.  I ask a question here and there.  I answer someone else's question here and there.  I read a little bit every so often.  I don't get too heavily involved because I don't want to exist in a world obsessed about not being able to have a baby.  I think on the subject here and there, and then try to push it out of my mind and carry on. 

 

I recently had a question that I posed on a forum and all I got back was "relax", "stop stressing" and "lose weight".  Some of the many things I despise most hearing about.  But you can read more about that here. 

 

Money is really tight at the moment.  I have been selling off things around the house to bring in a few extra dollars.  I am a member of a plus size women's clothing buy/swap/sell group on Facebook and have been selling some items from my wardrobe.  While I was having a look on it yesterday, I thought maybe if I asked if any of the women in the group had any hints or ideas on how to help since they too are overweight like me.  I could see from their profile pictures a lot of the women have families, so they have obviously had success. 

 

Retrospect - stupid idea.  There were many... MANY comments that were on my what you should never say list. 

 

And the winner of the Foot in Mouth Award goes to this comment: "if you can barely afford to feed yourselves, how are you going to afford a baby?"

 

*APPLAUSE*

 

She is lucky I am not easily offended and that I'm feeling a little stronger lately than I have in the past.  Because I may have punched her in the face a month ago. 

 

People say the stupidest things sometimes. 

Staying strong

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I'm better at pushing aside feelings and emotions, and not letting myself get excited or not getting my hopes up, and ignoring things when need be - all in a bid to survive, to not get hurt and all that jazz.

 

I'm in the midst of my 24th missed opportunity.  It's exactly 2 years now.  Which is so surreal by the way.  But for a little bit there I thought it might not be.  I was having some weird symptoms.  But I didn't let myself get excited.  Sore boobs non stop for 2 weeks.  Queesy.  Funny with smells.  And my spot on cycle has been not so spot on lately it seems.  But I did it.  I didn't get excited.  I didn't think about it.  I pushed it out of my head.  When my period was late, I didn't jump to conclusions.  I didn't foolishly do a pregnancy test.  I just waited. 

 

And it came.  And I'm OK with that, for now. 

 

Still no specialist appointment.  Who has money for those things anyway? 

 

I got a free frozen fanta from Hungry Jack's today.  It was awesome.  Things like that make awful cramps seems more OK.  Pity I have a sinus infection and the frozen fanta congested me worse.  Meh.. can't win! :)

Referral

I got my referral to the specialist last week.  All my test results bundled up with a letter from my Dr, letting another Dr know I am now offically their mystery to work out.  I also found out all the problems with trying to conceive, officially point in my direction only.  Hubby has got off the hook with that one. 

 

Sad to say it, but I was kind of hoping he was the problem.  Cause if he was, then the procedures for insemination just seemed so much more pleasant to think about, than dealing with injecting hormones and all sorts of unnatural junk into my body. 

But it's all me.  So there goes that idea. 

 

The next sad  thing along that line, is there is no funds to see the said specialist.  There won't be for a long time either.  So that overstuffed envelope, has been put on the side of the fridge, and it will wait there gathering dust, for who knows how long. 

 

I don't know what is more frustrating.  Not being able to have a baby, or not being able to afford to try and have a baby.   

 

 

 

The lingo

I feel like I'm coming in a bit late in the game with figuring this all out.  I seemed to ignore the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant for about 18 months, just figuring it would happen next month, or next month, or the month after that.  What this means, is I don't understand alot of the lingo.  I haven't been reading books about infertility and infertility treatments for years.  I haven't been reading other peoples blogs and journeys for years, I've only been reading them for months.  I haven't had any specialist appointments.  I haven't taken any fertility drugs.  I haven't tried any fertility diets or crazy natural remedies. 

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So it's kind of funny when someone else in the same boat as you, finds out you've been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for a few years, and then they assume you know the lingo and start talking away. 

You have to pretend you know what they're talking about!

I know a little bit about ovulation and montly cycles, but when it comes to the full details of IVF and clomid and menevit.... I have to do the smile and nod. 

I feel like I should start reading books or something.  Right?  I mean, it's likely I'm going to be shooting up on this stuff soon, and tracking cycles and having visitations with my friend the probe again. 

And I'm yet to figure out how people can even AFFORD to see specialists, and shoot up on hormones and whatever else, when I can't even afford to get some test results from my GP......

A good week

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It's been a really good week.  I'm feeling more positive and happy.  These feelings are directly attributed to a couple of things that have happened and I'd like to share a few of them with you. 

 

1.  My husband had his "fertility test" done.  We are yet to find out the results, but the fact that he has done it helps me to feel his support through this journey.  I'm not alone in this.

 

2.  Money has been tight, so tight that this week we had no money for groceries.  My dad had a strong prompting that he needed to come over and take me grocery shopping.  I'm grateful for a kind, generous and thoughtful dad.  He was throwing roasts and steaks in my trolley.  And Weis bars!! How could I not be happy to have a full fridge, freezer, pantry and cupboard.  It has been a long time since that has been the case and relieves some financial stresses for a few weeks.

 

3.  People have been reaching out to me.  It has amazed me actually.  Thank you everyone for your kind messages, comments and thoughts.  They have made such a difference.

 

4.  I have some fresh ideas for my business.  All thanks to an amazing friend who has such talent and experience in making things work in business.  It has been a while since I've felt excited to delve into a new project, and perfecting a new design.  It feels like that creative candle has been lit again.

 

5.  I've felt the love of my Saviour.  It feels as though a big warm blanket has been wrapped around me the past few days.  It feels wonderful.  It has given me hope and renewed patience. 

 

For the first time in a long time, I'm excited about the upcoming week. 

Wouldn't it be nice...

In my eyes.

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It's Mother's Day.  It was a long day.  I feel selfish to say it, but I couldn't focus today on the great mother's involved in my life.  Only now at the end of the day am I able to think about that.  All day long I had to be strong, put on the brave face, pretend to be listening but shut off my ears to the sweet musical item, the talks and the lessons.  It was all about me holding it together.  I think I did it.  I think only two tears fell and I wiped them away quickly and composed myself again on those two occasions.  It's funny to think that I was studying the shoes of all the women in the row in front of me during the musical item to distract myself from hearing the words they were singing.  It was like when you go to the dentist and you try so hard to daydream about something else other than the drill grinding away at your teeth. 

I was walking the halls at church looking for something and was stopped by someone I have known since I was a young teen.  She stopped to give me a hug and asked me what was wrong and that I couldn't tell her nothing because she could see it in my eyes.  I told her, and that I just have to put on my happy face because I didn't want to ruin anyones day.  She hugged me tighter and told me she loved me. 

It was just what I needed to hear.  She is the reason I made it through the day.

The big vent: failure.

The last few days have been a blur. I can't even remember what I did. If I'm not crying, I'm completely numb. When I'm crying I feel alive.  When I'm numb I don't feel alive.  It's the strangest feeling and that is the only way I can describe it.

Failure is hard.  I'm failing in so many areas at the moment, and it hurts. Hurts me to my core, and makes my struggles harder to bare. 

I've struggled my whole life with finding friends. Most of the time the loneliness is bearable.  At the moment it's not. I think a lot about what it must be like to be invited over to a friends house for gatherings and dinners and birthday parties. What it must be like to just have someone you can call and say "I'm having a bad day can we do lunch". What it must be like to be able send them a text anytime of the day or night cause you need company or advice. I've never had any of those things. I think I'm a nice person.  I mean, I am getting burnt all the time because I've been to nice and people have taken advantage of me. It happened yesterday...it doesn't always pay off to be nice to someone you just met you know. I've tried to initiate a lot of friendships too. Invited over people, invited them out. No one is interested. No one responds and if they do its the polite "we have other plans sorry". And all I can think is "they have plans with their friends".

I know that i am overweight and people are judgmental. Just because I don't like eating kale and jogging every morning, doesn't mean we won't have anything in common.  Just sayin'. 

I know I'm opinionated. But most people are. I've tried really hard to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself for the past year. Purposely too. A real concerted effort, and its made no difference. And now that I have become more open about my infertility it just feels like the world is staring at you because you have a huge mole growing on your face or something. Plus sharing your struggles invites a lot of negative feelings which makes people run even faster away from you.

It's just too hard.

Sometimes it'd be nice to have a friend, and to belong to a group of friends.

Then there's money and work. I was unfairly dismissed almost 11 months ago. Now I got my payout thanks to FWA and everything, but it really hurt my feelings, like really. I know I should have let it go, but I just can't seem to. I was accused of things that were not true, I was called a liar, and I was spoken to unkindly. It feels like that was the beginning of the breaking of my spirit, the beginning of the downward spiral. 

I haven't been able to find work since. I haven't been looking super hard because hubby saw it as a good opportunity for me to work on building up my business. But that has been a joke too. Recently I read a blog post of someone who has been able to make a career out of blogging about her family and life. It was about a new goal she had made for herself that she will no longer work for free. I'm happy for her to get to that place, it must be such a relief. But it's something that has stuck with me, that phrase,"I won't work for free". I have spent the past 11 months working for free. And working long hours too, like easily 12-18 hours per day every day. My business has many different aspects and products and services and it has got me nowhere. I made about $5 these past 3 weeks. It's so incredibly depressing failing at contributing. We go without so many things because of me.

We can't afford to go see a fertility specialist, let alone do any treatments or IVF.  It's a joke. A sad depressing joke that you have to laugh at so you don't cry (again) kind of joke.

Then as I said, I'm overweight. It's a constant battle of being mad at myself, and hating the way I look and the way I am and the way my mind works. Then some days I am comfortable in my skin and with how I look. Then I am mad at myself for letting myself get away with how I look. It's a never ending cycle. Just like most overweight people I try to lose weight. Oh my gosh I've tried. Weight watchers was good, but I struggled. Then calorie counting was my best effort yet with 4 months of strict diet and losing 14kgs. But my mind won the battle once more over my body. And here I am back to where I started again. 

 

I don't know where I'm going with this post. I just feel like I need to get it off my chest. I think a lot of my emotions are compacting because its Mother's Day weekend, but my hormones are at work this week too. I'm getting tired of being sad. Literally. It wears me out. It's hard to exist in sadness. But its hard to climb out of a negative spiral too when you're failing at some of the key parts of your life.

And I guess complaining about it in this blog post will probably make it all worse. 

Wow, it's just awesome to be alive.

Guest post: 10 things you CAN say to someone who is battling infertility.

I am overwhelmed at the response after my blog post of 10 things you should never say to a woman struggling with infertility.  Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement.  If you haven't read this blog post yet (and I would definitely recommend you read it first), you can find it here. 

 

I received a lot of feedback asking that I follow up this post with "what you CAN say" so that people can learn the do's along with the don'ts as to be sensitive and encouraging to those who are struggling with this unbearable situation.  Well here you go ladies, your wish has been granted!!

 

Introducing Jess who wrote this blog post and has allowed me to share it with you here.

 

 

************************************************************************

 

I'm Jess and I wanted to start by saying that I haven't given myself the role of spokesperson for all infertile women. All of my thoughts have come from my own experience, from speaking to other women and reading (a lot!). I've had a few beautiful women who are also battling infertility read this to be sure they agree with me. If I want this post to accomplish anything it's to help support other women.  So here it is: 

10 things you CAN say to someone who is battling infertility

1. "I can't imagine what that must be like". 

Because it's true. If you haven't been through infertility you don't know the pain that's associated with it. Just like losing a child, or a loved one, or anything hard, or horrible we go through. 

If you are battling years of infertility, someone who took 3 months to get pregnant saying 'I know how you feel' just is irritating because they don't. 

2. "Can I do anything for you?".

90% of the time, you won't be able to. But when you are feeling like doing your everyday activities are a struggle and you're having a hard time finding something to be happy about, a friend genuinely saying "I don't know how this feels but I know you are in pain - can I do anything?"... that means a lot.

3. "I love you".

As an infertile women, sometimes you really don't love yourself. Your body won't do what you've spent your whole life up until this point thinking it was made to do... so being reminded that you are loved is pretty powerful.

4. Remind them you care.

Let them cry on your shoulder. Send them cards or notes. If you are both religious let them know you are praying for them. It's one of those hard times when there isn't much you can do but offer support - think about what support you'd offer a friend who lost a loved one. Someone going through infertility is mourning. Grieving for the child they want so desperately but no matter what they do, can't have. Any women going through infertility has so much love for this much hoped for child that it's hard to describe. Just knowing that they have a friend they can count on to be there lifts a heavy burden to know they aren't alone. 

 

 

5. Don't forget them on Mother's Day.With all of the joy and celebration of mothers day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Christmas and Mothers day are incredibly painful times for infertile women. It's everywhere! Mothers Day is a beautiful celebration, however it's so painful for those desperately wanting to be a mother but cannot. Having to silently carry your grief to not 'ruin' the mothers day of those you love is a hard thing for a infertile woman to bear. Let them know you haven't forgotten them. Not saying "I know you'll be a mother some day" or "You can mother in other ways" (please don't say that!) but more like, "this weekend must be really hard, just want you to know I love you and that you are an amazing woman".

 

 

6. Listen.
Infertility can be really lonely. Let them vent, cry, talk - as much as they need. Also respect when they don't want to talk about it. Caring questions about how things are going are a genuine show of concern but if the question is answered short and quickly, move on and don't continue with probing questions. She might be doing all she can to hold it together because she really doesn't want to talk about it today.

 

 

7. Support their decisions.Whether that means the type of treatment, stopping treatments, no treatment. No-one can endure all that comes with fertility treatments forever and at some point, a very hard decision about stopping will come. This will come with a grieving process and if they make that hard choice, support them and don't try to change their mind.

 

 

8. Hope with them.Don't pull out your crystal ball and say "I know it'll happen soon". Tell them "I hope it happens for you soon".

 

 

9. Keep inviting them to family / friend events.
Don't not invite them to your baby shower or birthday party (etc etc) because you think it might be too painful. That only further isolates them. Infertility is full of ups ad downs and only they can know if they can cope that day. Even if they are having a hard time they still love you and your baby and want to celebrate with you. They might say no 9 times out of 10 but continuing to invite them shows that you still want to share your life with them.

 

 

10. "That sucks".
Because it does! When it feels like every other person you know in the world with a uterus is able to have a baby when they want... it sucks! It's nice to have other people acknowledge that fact once in awhile.

 

 

and if in doubt: "I have no idea what to say, but I love you and am here for you".

Withdrawn

I've found it easier to be withdrawn lately.  I don't have to face the realities of my life when I stay in the comfort of my own home as ubruptly as I would if I spent alot of time "out".  Less questions.  Less comments.  Less judgments.  Less awkward conversations.  Less effort too.  A whole lot more pleasant, but being withdrawn comes at a price.  You are a whole lot more lonely. 

It's hard to find the happy medium when you don't fit into anyany of the typical moulds.  Everyone our age has kids.  The only couples without kids are younger and we don't have anything to do with them, and although we've tried, they don't want to have anything to do with us.  Apparently early 30's and late 20's is old, or something.   

So I've had alot of time alone with my thoughts.  Some days this is a good thing, some days it's not.  Some days I sob most of the day and sob myself to sleep at night.  But then some days I feel resolved and optomistic about the future.  I still have options.  I haven't gone down every avenue yet.

In a way being alone means I can feel and act however I need to, to get through that day.  If I need to cry it out, I can.  I don't have to hold it all in and pretend I'm having the best day ever with the fakest smile in town.  If taking a shower that day is too hard, then I just don't take a shower that day. 

So if you come knocking on my door, and I don't answer, it's probably because I've having a "no shower day", so please don't be offended.  Just leave the choccies and flowers on my doorstep, presuming that is why you were dropping over.