Cravings

Cravings are a normal part of life and of human nature. Maybe you've craved chocolate, cookies, lollies, a sausage roll from the bakery, hotdogs or pizza from time to time. But cravings aren't always associated with food. Sometimes you crave order, peace and quiet, weight loss, attention, help or money.  

 

I often associate cravings with wishful thinking. I wish someone would notice me, I wish someone would help me with my problem. But they all mean the same thing. They are all things we want in our lives, whether they are big or small. Sometimes these things come about, whether by sheer luck or whether you worked your tail end off for it. Sometimes they just don't, no matter the great intentions and efforts you may have put forth. This too is a normal part of life. Learning to deal with the ups and the downs.

 

Something I often find myself thinking about is what it must feel like to be successful in the parts of your life that are most important to you. I'm not talking about being famous, or having loads of money, or having a fancy car. I'm talking about my own kind of success. Success in the things I've made goals in. For the simple things. Things I've worked really hard for and invested time, blood, sweat and tears into.

 

I was going to list the 3 things that are most important to me right now. But I realised when I was having trouble writing down the words, that they all actually boil down into one word, one meaning, one thing.

 

I crave acceptance.

 

Acceptance for the person I am not.

Acceptance for my skills.

Acceptance for my the limitations of my illness.

4

At the end of last year I had a miscarriage. It was kind of heart shattering. After 4.5 years of trying to fall pregnant, I had done it, and then it was all gone before it really started. We didn't even know I was pregnant until the miscarriage started (I was only 4-5 weeks). But it gave us a new sense of hope. I COULD fall pregnant. My body wasn't as useless as I thought it was. 

Soon after I started to track my basal body temperature. It's so easy to do, you just take your temperature as soon as you wake up in the morning, and you record it. I use the Kindara app on my phone (it's free). You also can track other "things" to do with being a woman like symptoms of ovulating, menstruating etc. After tracking for a month or so you can start to see a pattern emerging and you know when things are going to happen in your cycle a day or two before they happen. 

Not one of my charts, but shows you how the chart works.

So I sort of became an expert at my own body this year. I am able to recognise from twinges or pinches what's happening, or about to happen. Being able to recognise these things from what I'm experiencing in my body and from tracking my temperature really comes in handy when you're trying to have a baby. 

Throughout the years of trying to have a baby I've come to learn that there are many women who don't actually know anything about ovulation. There are various reasons for not knowing about this. So let me explain JUST IN CASE you don't know anything or much about it. 

To conceive you need an egg and a swimmer. Eggs are made available by your body when you ovulate. 

Every woman ovulates at a different time. The "normal" time to ovulate is about 2 weeks after your period began. But of course not everyone's body does the same thing. So sometimes its during your period, sometimes its right after, sometimes it's right in the middle, or right before your next period. Every body has it's own kind of normal, or abnormal. Cause sometimes women don't ovulate regularly, or at all. 

So back to how it all happens. Your body makes the egg available and hopefully it gets to meet a happy little swimmer and they get to join up and have a great old time turning into a baby. 

Go swimmer, go!

It turns out I'm really good at making babies. I've managed to make 3 more this year! Yet here I sit at the end of the year on my couch and wonder who my 4 little people could have been. But that is another story for another day.

Christy




42 months

The word I cannot say

Fertile person:

"We are so excited! (insert corny poem or saying or phrase), we're pregnant!" 

Every person on earth:

"Congratulations!"

"WOW I am so thrilled for you"

"Congratulations!"

"I didn't know you were even trying, how exciting!"
"Congratulations!"

"Yay now our babies can grow up together!"

"Congratulations!"
"Oh my gosh I am so happy for you!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations you two, you are such wonderful parents"

"Congratulations!"

"Your kids are going to be the best big brothers and sisters"

"Congratulations!"

"I knew it, you were so clucky!"

"Congratulations!"

"Such wonderful news"

"Congratulations!"

"I knew you were going for another baby, how exciting."

"Congratulations!"

"I hope you have an amazing pregnancy, you are such an inspiration to me"

"Congratulations!"

"Oh my goodness I love your ever expanding family"

"Congratulations!"

"You look so beautiful pregnant, when are you due?"

"Congratulations!"

"I can't wait to meet your new family member, congrats!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!"

(and if it's announced on FB which lets be honest 90% of pregnancies are announced these days, all these comments are accompanied by 50,000 "likes" on the status).

Me:
*just keep scrolling down*

It's my coping mechanism. If I pretend it's not happening and don't "congratulate" the pregnant person or don't "like" the status, it's just easier. Basically, what I'm saying is, if you announce your pregnancy to me, I will most likely ignore you. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

I was speaking to a friend recently who is experiencing struggles with infertility also. We were talking about all the people who had announced pregnancies recently (there is quite literally at least someone new each week) and how we cope being surrounded by it. I found out she does the exact same thing as me! It made me feel less evil that's for sure.

So I will continue ignoring and pretending I didn't just hear you announce your pregnancy to keep sane. Sorry. But I know you'll get over it.

Christy

Feeling lost

 

Rough days still happen, and I think they will always happen. I try not to dwell on negative thoughts, or on dreams and aspirations because it just creates this tornado of sadness and confusion and questions, but I've been feeling particularly lost lately. I have really noticed it in the past 2-3 months.

 

It's hard to describe. It almost feels like the world is in fast forward and I'm standing still watching it zoom right past me. Everyone is busy doing things, going places, having fun and living a full and happy and hectic life. And I'm just standing there watching, looking lost.

 

I need to find a way to snap out of it. Find something different to do, maybe take up a new hobby, or find a way to spend a little more time out of the house.

 

What do you do when you're feeling lost?




28 months.

 

 

 



Never give up.

I was feeling a little blue last night. I think a lot of it stemmed down to the fact that I had a really big weekend, working lots and not much sleep in between it all. Then to mix into it, they talked a little bit about blessings of being a mother at church in the Relief Society lesson (women's group) yesterday.

I found myself, without realising, questioning why this was chosen to be my challenge. When I start on this train of thought, it really gets me down. Once I realised what I was thinking about, I knew I needed to dig myself out of the pit before I got in too deep. I went searching for upliftment, and luckily I found it in the way of a Mormon Message on YouTube.

This part of the Mormon Message was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

"I remember when I was preparing to be trained as a fighter pilot. We spent a great deal of our preliminary military training in physical exercise. I’m still not exactly sure why endless running was considered such an essential preparatory part of becoming a pilot. Nevertheless, we ran and we ran and we ran some more.

As I was running I began to notice something that, frankly, troubled me. Time and again I was being passed by men who smoked, drank, and did all manner of things that were contrary to the gospel and, in particular, to the Word of Wisdom.

I remember thinking, “Wait a minute! Aren’t I supposed to be able to run and not be weary?” I asked myself, was the promise true or was it not?

The answer didn’t come immediately. But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope.

Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessing.  The work of patience boils down to this. Keep the commandments. Trust in God our Heavenly Father. Serve him with meekness and Christlike love. Exercise faith and hope in the Saviour, and never give up."

 

 

Numb

I have been feeling really numb.  Out of touch.  Dreamy.  Strange.

 

It's an unusual feeling. 

 

Time is passing quickly.  Days & weeks are blurring.  It feels like not much has happened.  I know I have been doing a lot lately, going out, doing things, hanging out with people, doing family stuff.  I've had some massive deadlines I've had to meet.  Custom orders. So much stuff.  But it has all blurred together and it honestly feels like not much has been going on.

 

It feels like all that stuff I've been doing, didn't really happen. 

 

Emotionally, I've changed.  The way emotion affects me, is a way it has never affected me before. It's weird.  I don't get as upset as I used to talking about the fact we don't have kids, and that we haven't been able to get pregnant.  I guess that fact has sunken in a little more.  It's not as fresh and harsh. I seem to be able to just say it how it is. 

 

But other stuff is affecting me. I've been trying to figure out how to explain it.  I guess I'm struggling with "tender moments".  Last night I was cuddling my baby nephew who was extremely overtired and it was past his bedtime.  I was rocking him in his bedroom patting his bum.  He wasn't keen on the idea of going to sleep and was whinging a fair bit.  So I started singing to him.  But I had to stop after a minute, because I made myself cry. Instead I started talking to him.  I seemed to be able to handle that better. 

 

I guess the worst part about this numb, dreamy state of time blurring together, is it feels like I have my period every other week.  It certainly doesn't feel like I've had a 3 week break in between each time.  

 

Oh, and I know 18 people who are pregnant now.  Stop falling pregnant people.  It's getting really annoying.

 

27 months.

How I feel...

 

Amen.