Rough

It's been a rough couple of days emotionally.  It's a lot of work fighting off negative feelings when your hormones are raging.  Sometimes I fight it, and sometimes I try to, but it doesn't work.  This week, it didn't work.

There has been lots of tears, some of those being random outburts during commercials (they were just so touching!), lot's of questions, lots of self doubt and pity.   

These feelings have been reciprocated with love, kindness and blessings.  All were greatly needed and appreciated.

It's hard, but one day it will get better. 

Tests

So I've been having lots of tests of late.  Lots of blood taken.  My veins don't like blood tests.  They seem to sense what is going on and vanish.  I almost feel like I need to assure the nurse I'm not a druggy who has collapsed all the veins in their arm.  Last time it took 3 attempts.  She eventually got HALF a vial out of my hand.  The hand one hurts!

But my favourite test.  Oh boy.  The test that all woman would just line up to have done if they knew about it.  My Dr didn't "warn" me about it. Probably for my own safety I think.  I just thought I was having an ultrasound and xray.  I was blind sighted. 

Say hello to the probe. 

I've never studied a ceiling with such concentration before in my life.  Trumped all dentist visits, let me tell you. 

But it's all worth it.  All the "trauma" answers questions.  And I'm hoping that with answers to questions comes a plan. 

Plus I just changed Dr's, and he's excited about helping me.  I hope he can.

"So, when are you having kids?"

The dreaded question.  How do you answer it? 

I met up with a group of ladies this past week that I haven't seen in years.  Most of them I don't think I've seen since I got married over 4 years ago.  The morning of, while I was getting ready, I was thinking about the question.  It was likely that I would be asked, and I wanted to be ready to answer it. 

Caution needs to be used in your answer.  You don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.  Afterall, it's not their fault I haven't been able to have a baby.  They don't know I am having struggles.  And maybe if I answer in a particular way, it will help them to be more sensitive in the future if another woman is in the same boat as me and has no kids.

I struggled to find the perfect answer.  Do you just be upfront and say it how it is? "Well we've been trying to 22 months and it seems I can't fall pregnant."  Or do you sugar coat it? "We've been trying for a little while now but I'm sure it will happen!"  Or just kinda lie? "Shouldn't be much longer now!!!" 

I couldn't decide how to respond and I still don't know.  Luckily I wasn't asked. 

I used to be able to just say it as it was and be upfront, but I find it more difficult to be that way because it makes me sad to hear myself say it out loud.  Plus, I don't like to make people feel like a bad person for asking it when they happen to be pregnant for the fourth time in 5 years because they are extremely fertile......

Eve

This might be TMI, but I don't care.  The fact that I don't care about what people think means most people don't understand me, but that is a whole other topic. 

It's period eve.  The day before.  The day before I'm reminded for the 22nd time that I'm not having a baby.  I know it's only 22 times.  Alot have experienced it much longer than I have.  But I find it hard every month because this is my life. 

Last night I was looking at myself in the mirror.  Wondering what it must feel like when your period doesn't come and you find out the good news.  What it must feel like for your body to change to accomodate a human.  A human you made. 

I wonder. 

So it's the night before.  I'm feeling emotional and irritable.  Hormones are at work.   

How it looks.

I often wonder how my life looks to others.

I know I look at other's and am jealous about parts of their lives and wish I had what they have.  I wish we could have more freedom with money like "they" do.  I wish my metabolism worked a million miles an hour like "hers" does.  I wish I could buy the car that "they" have.  I wish I could fall pregnant as easily as "she" does.

One of my most hated statements is "you are so lucky you don't have kids".

I'm not sure what is so "lucky" about that.  

How is it considered lucky when it's actually unlucky?

I have to remind myself every single day, maybe she can afford that new dress and new pair of jeans and new pair of shoes with a matching handbag.  Maybe she can eat a block of chocolate and a tub of icecream, and never ever exercise and not gain weight.  Maybe they can afford that brand new beautiful car just like what I want.  Maybe she can fall pregnant first try. But, maybe another part of their life is hard.  Maybe their heart is breaking a little more each day just like mine because of it.

I wonder how my life looks to others.