It's just not meant to be

This is how my life feels, and has for quite some time. I'm just not meant to be successful or have nice things or have friends or kids.

Life feels so lonely. It's isolating not doing well at anything. I'm sure I've talked about this before in a post because its all feeling very familiar.

My life, it's just not meant to be. So I guess I need to get used to it and stop complaining about it.  

Staying strong

Image

 

I'm better at pushing aside feelings and emotions, and not letting myself get excited or not getting my hopes up, and ignoring things when need be - all in a bid to survive, to not get hurt and all that jazz.

 

I'm in the midst of my 24th missed opportunity.  It's exactly 2 years now.  Which is so surreal by the way.  But for a little bit there I thought it might not be.  I was having some weird symptoms.  But I didn't let myself get excited.  Sore boobs non stop for 2 weeks.  Queesy.  Funny with smells.  And my spot on cycle has been not so spot on lately it seems.  But I did it.  I didn't get excited.  I didn't think about it.  I pushed it out of my head.  When my period was late, I didn't jump to conclusions.  I didn't foolishly do a pregnancy test.  I just waited. 

 

And it came.  And I'm OK with that, for now. 

 

Still no specialist appointment.  Who has money for those things anyway? 

 

I got a free frozen fanta from Hungry Jack's today.  It was awesome.  Things like that make awful cramps seems more OK.  Pity I have a sinus infection and the frozen fanta congested me worse.  Meh.. can't win! :)

Referral

I got my referral to the specialist last week.  All my test results bundled up with a letter from my Dr, letting another Dr know I am now offically their mystery to work out.  I also found out all the problems with trying to conceive, officially point in my direction only.  Hubby has got off the hook with that one. 

 

Sad to say it, but I was kind of hoping he was the problem.  Cause if he was, then the procedures for insemination just seemed so much more pleasant to think about, than dealing with injecting hormones and all sorts of unnatural junk into my body. 

But it's all me.  So there goes that idea. 

 

The next sad  thing along that line, is there is no funds to see the said specialist.  There won't be for a long time either.  So that overstuffed envelope, has been put on the side of the fridge, and it will wait there gathering dust, for who knows how long. 

 

I don't know what is more frustrating.  Not being able to have a baby, or not being able to afford to try and have a baby.