I don't want to talk about it.

Quite literally.  The last thing I want to do, is talk about families.  About how a family functions with children in the home.  And the last place I would want to talk about families is in public.  Anyone who is, or has experienced infertility knows what I mean.  You just eliminate that kind of talk from your life because it just causes upset.  For those who don't know, it's like being forced to talk about something that upsets you, or makes you feel uncomfortable.  It's like getting up in front of a group of 200 people and talking all about menstrual cycles, or about how someone close to you died horrifically.  You just have absolutely no desire to do it. 

 

So how do I get out of this Sacrament talk?  Any ideas?

 

 

It's exhausting

It takes it out of you all the time.  It drains you every day.  If I don't get at least 8 hours sleep I'm a wreck.  Your brain ticks non stop.  You wonder.  You mourn.  You dream.  You cry.  You try and get lost in things that you need to get done.  But it's always there.  It never leaves you alone.  You try and stay composed.  You try to cry quietly and discretely.  You can't do anything about it.  You don't have any money to do anything about it.  So you try and celebrate the small things.  But it doesn't help.  You just feel like an idiot for celebrating stupid things.  You daydream a lot.  Get lost in your thoughts.  Sometimes it's hard to do the basics.  You force yourself.  It takes days to put away the laundry.  You cook dinner but only once or twice a week.  It's too hard.  It's not like you have a family to cook it for.  Luckily you do have a husband that doesn't care though.  Phew.  You have others over that have kids and you get annoyed by the mess they make.  Then you wonder why it annoyed you.  Don't you want that?  Isn't that what consumes your thoughts? Dreams? 

 

25 months.

 

It's so confusing.  And exhausting.  And it never seems to end.

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Foot in mouth disease

Foot in mouth disease is real.  I'm sure we've all met someone with it at some stage of our adult lives. It's so sad to see how it affects peoples minds and thought patterns and the sounds that come out of their mouths. 

 

I'm a member of a few infertility forums.  I ask a question here and there.  I answer someone else's question here and there.  I read a little bit every so often.  I don't get too heavily involved because I don't want to exist in a world obsessed about not being able to have a baby.  I think on the subject here and there, and then try to push it out of my mind and carry on. 

 

I recently had a question that I posed on a forum and all I got back was "relax", "stop stressing" and "lose weight".  Some of the many things I despise most hearing about.  But you can read more about that here. 

 

Money is really tight at the moment.  I have been selling off things around the house to bring in a few extra dollars.  I am a member of a plus size women's clothing buy/swap/sell group on Facebook and have been selling some items from my wardrobe.  While I was having a look on it yesterday, I thought maybe if I asked if any of the women in the group had any hints or ideas on how to help since they too are overweight like me.  I could see from their profile pictures a lot of the women have families, so they have obviously had success. 

 

Retrospect - stupid idea.  There were many... MANY comments that were on my what you should never say list. 

 

And the winner of the Foot in Mouth Award goes to this comment: "if you can barely afford to feed yourselves, how are you going to afford a baby?"

 

*APPLAUSE*

 

She is lucky I am not easily offended and that I'm feeling a little stronger lately than I have in the past.  Because I may have punched her in the face a month ago. 

 

People say the stupidest things sometimes.