I've been thinking on this post for a while in my head. People say hurtful things without realising it, and I think it's time they were educated on infertility comment etiquette. So here you go, here is what NOT to say (in no particular order).
1. Just don't think about it.
The female body was created to conceive, grow, and give birth to children. It cleans out it's own darn uterus every single month to keep it nice and fresh and delightful for a baby to grow in. You spend 20 odd years imagining what your children will be like, what they'll look like, wondering what pregnancy actually feels like, dreading pushing that baby out, coming up with baby names and gathering cute little items of clothing, and booties and whatever else. So when you say this to a woman who is having great difficulty in falling pregnant, let me explain what it actually sounds like. "Hey, you know how you eat to stay alive? Well if you just don't think about eating, you won't ever feel hungry again!!" Not thinking about it, is not an option.
2. It will just happen, and when you least expect it!
Just like your arm might fall off, when you least expect it. Seems pretty unlikely doesn't it? Yep.
3. Well, I'm not married so don't worry it could be worse.
That is something you can work towards changing, so it's not in the same category, sorry.
4. So when are you going to do IVF?
When you give me $10,000.
5. You are going to be the best mother one day.
Although this is a big compliment, it is really sad to hear. The biggest struggle with infertility for me is I feel like the biggest failure ever to have walked the earth. You live every single day not knowing if you will ever actually be a mother. This statement is a powerful reminder of what you are not.
6. Did you know that being overweight can cause infertility?
Oh really? Because I didn't just spend 2 hours that morning looking for something to wear that didn't make me feel like a heffalump and cry for an hour of that time about the fact that I might be my own worst enemy and I have done this to myself and why doesn't my metabolism actually work. I want to be obese and childless, said no one ever. Oh and by the way, please explain why the vast majority of overweight women have children and I don't? Yeah, I don't know how to explain it either.
7. I want you to hurry up and have kids so our kids can be friends.
If your kids need friends, then take them to the park. Seeing your kids turn 1, 2, 3, and older, is just a yearly reminder that I still don't even have 1 kid.
8. Being a mum is the best thing in the world, I don't know what I'd do without my kids.
You would sit at home wondering what you'd do with kids, like me.
9. My kids are so annoying. Can I send them home with you? "FREE KIDS TO GOOD HOME"
I don't think I can even muster out a fake laugh for this one anymore.
10. We just got pregnant by accident for the 5th time in 4 years cause the condom broke.
No comment.
Oooooh the joys of infertility :)
10 comments:
Omg this is awesome and partially why I just stopped socialising...because even the people meant well with comments I had to hold back tears and disappointment. Plus you're funny.
So true Christy. Love it.
Like Stacey I avoid socialising, especially at 'female gatherings' because of the comments and questions about when I was going to have kids.. well if I'd had it my way it would have been about 6 odd years ago you twit!! I don't think women with children realise that when they get together they only ever have one topic to discuss. They don't seem to notice (or care) that you are sitting there quietly, not participating in the conversation because you are dying inside or worse when you TRY to participate and you get the snarky looks and comments which clearly state "what would you know you childless waste of time". Seriously women, yes your children are the most important things in your life but when you get together please choose a couple other topics to discuss too. Years ago I met up with a friend that I hadn't seen in a year or so. She'd been almost full term when I'd seen her last and now she had a small child. There was other people at the gathering so I didn't get a chance to speak with her for a while. We finally got to sit near each other for a chat and the first thing she said to me was " *****'s high chair reclines in THREE positions!" I mean seriously!?!?! We had once talked about everything and now, despite raising numerous topics EVERYTHING was turned back onto kids, breastfeeding, giving birth etc. Anyway, I wrote a stack more but deleted it because I was rambling and this is your blog ;)
My least favourite at the moment is when people complain about their kids and say..."aren't you glad/lucky you don't have to deal with this."
I can't fake laugh at this one anymore either.
YES Stacey!!! That is another really bad one. I touched on that a few blog posts back actually.
Andy you can ramble all you like, afterall this blog is titled Ramblings of a Stresshead!
Honestly, if one more person tells me to relax....heads will roll! The worst is when people complain about being pregnant or how horrible their kids are. What we would give for a hard pregnancy or difficult babies! After four years I think I've heard them all. I just smile and nod...and then go into a dark corner and cry :)
Hello ladies, i'm stress heads younger yet far superior brother. hehe. I know i'm not in the exact same boat as you all because I'm a man and i don't have a uterus, but I felt like adding something. Do I have to have a uterus to be in the blog club? Cos surgery these days is through the roof. Just kidding I'm a proud man!! Even if my total facial hair count is only 14. Anyway, I really feel for you all who are burdened by this. Not in a pity sorta way but just a genuine care for your burden. I know this isn't the same but I long to have children myself but am currently staring down the barrel of my wife divorcing me. So here I am totally devotd and in love with her, wanting to begin our journey into eternity together with children and all she wants to do is give up and leave. I am not having a go at her, people are entitled to feel how they feel but i'm more or less just trying to express how painful it is for me to wait patiently, and unknowingly, when i am longing to start a family. I understand the hurtful things people can say whether intentionally or not, they say similar things to me regarding my situation. Actually I can relate directly to socialising with other married women with children and all they talk about is their vaginas dialating certain metric amounts.......vomit. It is nauseatingly annoying! Both sick and annoying. Anyway at least I'm now determined to stop my wife if she ver talks openly about such private things. But not only the graphic details, it's also just frustrating when all a person can talk about is one subject. I went camping with a guy over the weekend and everytime he spoke it was about spear fishing. Dude, "get some freaking variety in your life", is what i felt like saying, but i'm far too lovely to say such things. Anyway, Through my trials of late with the separation I've learned some little gems of truth that have helped me. For those of you who aren't looking for solutions yet, you don't have to read on I won't be offended, in fact I wont even know. First - Heavenly Father is guiding us all along, He is in control! I've recently been reminded that Heavenly Father plays a LONG game, He is not into the short quick game. When I was on my mission I had companions who were way behind me in certain areas of spirituality, maturity or ability and others that were far superior to me in some areas. Nobody exceeded me in bicep size though. What I had to do is realise that my companion was simply progressing towards the same goal (eternal life) in a different way to me, at a different pace. But as I learned to be compassionate in the areas that they were behind me, and asked for their compassion towards my weaknesses we had an awesome time.
. I firmly believe Heavenly Father guides us all gently, whether we are aware or not He is a huge part in our lives. When I was reminded of this again recently I learned to accept the things people were saying that hurt me, because I knew their understanding was lacking and they hadn't progressed enough in that area yet. Then i applied simple compassion and forgave them. I have also been striving to apply that towards my wife, which I must admit has been the biggest trial of my life so far, and I've had some doozies. Secondly, there is a simple line from Elder Hollands talk - "Because she is a Mother" which says "As prophets have taught repeatedly from this pulpit - No blessing shall be withheld, from the faithful, even if those blessings do not come immediately. In the mean time we rejoice that the call to nurture is not limited to our own flesh and blood". I think that's nice. Actually It's more than nice, that's a huge promise. Anyway I could keep going on but those are just two things that have helped me and thought i would just share for the sake of sharing. My Sister's are both excellent people, different, but excellent. I can't wait to get through this trial of mine but am glad for the things I'm picking up along the way. I hope all you "mummys at heart" striving to have kids will get what you want some day.
I agree with Naomi Ellis - what are 10 things that people should say to someone dealing with infertility? It really is hard to know what to say to show someone you love that you want to support them and that you genuinely care and want to be positive about things.
P.S. I don't think we can blame others for their crazy fertile-ness. Although it is depressing to think about when trying so hard to start your own family, it doesn't help to compare.
I love that you are finding strength from others sharing in your struggles. Support is so important with issues like these.
I also hope you remember that there are a lot of ways you can contribute to a child's life and be a big part of shaping them. I love my aunties for shaping my life and I hope I can be that type of aunt to my nieces/ nephews. I know it doesn't make up for the empty longing and desperate wish of your heart, but I know that children (especially nieces/ nephews) can be a huge joy to help ease the pain. xx
What a great post. I have had all 10 said to me and then some.. I even had family and a close friend offer to carry a baby for me. I was 23 and I had only been trying to fall pregnant for about a year at the time!
They think they're being kind and helpful but it's just heartbreaking, as if they have given up for you, on your behalf!
But when thinking of what I would have preferred people say.. I can't think of anything. Maybe just an acknowledgement of how difficult it must be would do.
My favorite these days is " just relax ' or "maybe you need to just get drunk". ... Um yea ok sure I will just relax THAT will make it happen and um oh yea I don't drink so getting drunk isn't going to work either. My husband and I are lucky that his insurance pays for infertility treatments but there is a cap and we are almost at it. We recently did IVF and I did get pregnant only to find out it was ectopic. I had to have surgery and they removed one of my Fallopian tubes so now my chances of natural conception are even smaller.
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