I don't know what to call myself. I have been throwing around the word infertile & infertility an awful lot lately. But it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't sit right in my gut.
I'm not supposed to be having any problems. I should have had at least 2 kids by now. What if I CAN fall pregnant and it just hasn't happened yet? Does that mean I am not actually infertile now? Does it mean I am just unlucky at the moment?
I mean, how long do you have to actually be unsuccessful before you can safely consider yourself infertile? I know the Dr says 12 months. But I'm not sure. I think I started feeling like an infertile at around 6 months. I still remember that Dr's visit. I was like "what the hell is going on?". "Why aren't I pregnant yet?" That's the first time I heard the dreaded news that they won't even talk to you about that stuff until you've been failing for a whole year. Because apparently you have to be practically falling apart emotionally before they will help you.
Classy move Dr's.
I don't even want to think about how many pregnancy tests I wasted during that time. I think I tested myself every month, sometimes more than once. They are expensive too. Such a waste of money. I don't buy them anymore. I think I have one left in the cupboard, but there it stays.
I've only used a pregnancy test once in the past year. It was a few months ago. My cycle is on the dot, the same every month. After no arrival of period for 3 days I did a test thinking "oh my gosh am I actually pregnant, could this really be happening?" It tested negative, and I was so sure I probably just didn't have enough pregnancy hormones raging through my body yet for it to pick it up so resolved to test again the next day (with the fellow still in the cupboard). I didn't get around to testing again. The red sea came with a vengeance that night along with alot of tears, disappointment and heartbreak.
I think that night was the beginning of the end of my positive outlook. It was the night I started wondering who I really was and what I really was. And even though I'm still in denial, I think I know who I am now, and I think I know a better way of saying it without using that "I" word.
I'm childless.
4 comments:
I used the promises in my patriarchal blessing to console myself and give myself hope especially when I was miserable. Maybe there's something in your blessing for you?
Its ok to lose your positivity and grieve for the family you want but cant get right now. I did a lot. Even to the point of giving up on everything and believing I was actually being punished and completely losing faith. Bottom line it sucks, and sucks heaps more. But it seems you have determination and strength and a will I would love. Even though you may not feel like it right now. Babble babble the end.
What bugs me about drs, well, they truelly don't understand.... they try to sympathize, but they just dont get it - I swear I became a lil bit of a guinepig coz in their words "your young and healthy, not really sure why its not working" ....absolute genius's right?
Oh Christy, my heart aches for you. I've been reading your blog, but haven't commented until now. Can I just say, you are such a brilliant writer.... Honest and straight up. You have a gift! Even though you're feeling empty and longing for a child, I believe blogging about your feelings is beneficial and healthy..... And you will be that strength for another women going through the same trials. Thank you for your posts xxx
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