Mad

I don't know what makes me more mad.

 

1. Finding out someone else is pregnant.  10th person in 2 months.

 

2. Finding out people have opinions about why you're not pregnant.  Number 1 opinion being because you're fat and "if she wants a baby so bad why doesn't she just lose weight, dah!". Go on, say it to my face, I dare you.

 

3. Getting my period for the 26th time when I don't want it, and getting a UTI at the same time.

 

4. Being ignored because people don't know what to say to you anymore because you're childless and it makes them feel uncomfortable and weird around you.

 

5. Finding out part of the reason some people ignore you is they think that all you ever think about is infertility and you live in a world of constant moaning and groaning and "oh whoa is me".

 

6. People telling you to be more positive. 

 

 

I really could go on.  I'm mad at the world today and I don't care. 

 

 

I don't want to talk about it.

Quite literally.  The last thing I want to do, is talk about families.  About how a family functions with children in the home.  And the last place I would want to talk about families is in public.  Anyone who is, or has experienced infertility knows what I mean.  You just eliminate that kind of talk from your life because it just causes upset.  For those who don't know, it's like being forced to talk about something that upsets you, or makes you feel uncomfortable.  It's like getting up in front of a group of 200 people and talking all about menstrual cycles, or about how someone close to you died horrifically.  You just have absolutely no desire to do it. 

 

So how do I get out of this Sacrament talk?  Any ideas?

 

 

It's exhausting

It takes it out of you all the time.  It drains you every day.  If I don't get at least 8 hours sleep I'm a wreck.  Your brain ticks non stop.  You wonder.  You mourn.  You dream.  You cry.  You try and get lost in things that you need to get done.  But it's always there.  It never leaves you alone.  You try and stay composed.  You try to cry quietly and discretely.  You can't do anything about it.  You don't have any money to do anything about it.  So you try and celebrate the small things.  But it doesn't help.  You just feel like an idiot for celebrating stupid things.  You daydream a lot.  Get lost in your thoughts.  Sometimes it's hard to do the basics.  You force yourself.  It takes days to put away the laundry.  You cook dinner but only once or twice a week.  It's too hard.  It's not like you have a family to cook it for.  Luckily you do have a husband that doesn't care though.  Phew.  You have others over that have kids and you get annoyed by the mess they make.  Then you wonder why it annoyed you.  Don't you want that?  Isn't that what consumes your thoughts? Dreams? 

 

25 months.

 

It's so confusing.  And exhausting.  And it never seems to end.

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Foot in mouth disease

Foot in mouth disease is real.  I'm sure we've all met someone with it at some stage of our adult lives. It's so sad to see how it affects peoples minds and thought patterns and the sounds that come out of their mouths. 

 

I'm a member of a few infertility forums.  I ask a question here and there.  I answer someone else's question here and there.  I read a little bit every so often.  I don't get too heavily involved because I don't want to exist in a world obsessed about not being able to have a baby.  I think on the subject here and there, and then try to push it out of my mind and carry on. 

 

I recently had a question that I posed on a forum and all I got back was "relax", "stop stressing" and "lose weight".  Some of the many things I despise most hearing about.  But you can read more about that here. 

 

Money is really tight at the moment.  I have been selling off things around the house to bring in a few extra dollars.  I am a member of a plus size women's clothing buy/swap/sell group on Facebook and have been selling some items from my wardrobe.  While I was having a look on it yesterday, I thought maybe if I asked if any of the women in the group had any hints or ideas on how to help since they too are overweight like me.  I could see from their profile pictures a lot of the women have families, so they have obviously had success. 

 

Retrospect - stupid idea.  There were many... MANY comments that were on my what you should never say list. 

 

And the winner of the Foot in Mouth Award goes to this comment: "if you can barely afford to feed yourselves, how are you going to afford a baby?"

 

*APPLAUSE*

 

She is lucky I am not easily offended and that I'm feeling a little stronger lately than I have in the past.  Because I may have punched her in the face a month ago. 

 

People say the stupidest things sometimes. 

It's just not meant to be

This is how my life feels, and has for quite some time. I'm just not meant to be successful or have nice things or have friends or kids.

Life feels so lonely. It's isolating not doing well at anything. I'm sure I've talked about this before in a post because its all feeling very familiar.

My life, it's just not meant to be. So I guess I need to get used to it and stop complaining about it.  

Staying strong

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I'm better at pushing aside feelings and emotions, and not letting myself get excited or not getting my hopes up, and ignoring things when need be - all in a bid to survive, to not get hurt and all that jazz.

 

I'm in the midst of my 24th missed opportunity.  It's exactly 2 years now.  Which is so surreal by the way.  But for a little bit there I thought it might not be.  I was having some weird symptoms.  But I didn't let myself get excited.  Sore boobs non stop for 2 weeks.  Queesy.  Funny with smells.  And my spot on cycle has been not so spot on lately it seems.  But I did it.  I didn't get excited.  I didn't think about it.  I pushed it out of my head.  When my period was late, I didn't jump to conclusions.  I didn't foolishly do a pregnancy test.  I just waited. 

 

And it came.  And I'm OK with that, for now. 

 

Still no specialist appointment.  Who has money for those things anyway? 

 

I got a free frozen fanta from Hungry Jack's today.  It was awesome.  Things like that make awful cramps seems more OK.  Pity I have a sinus infection and the frozen fanta congested me worse.  Meh.. can't win! :)

Referral

I got my referral to the specialist last week.  All my test results bundled up with a letter from my Dr, letting another Dr know I am now offically their mystery to work out.  I also found out all the problems with trying to conceive, officially point in my direction only.  Hubby has got off the hook with that one. 

 

Sad to say it, but I was kind of hoping he was the problem.  Cause if he was, then the procedures for insemination just seemed so much more pleasant to think about, than dealing with injecting hormones and all sorts of unnatural junk into my body. 

But it's all me.  So there goes that idea. 

 

The next sad  thing along that line, is there is no funds to see the said specialist.  There won't be for a long time either.  So that overstuffed envelope, has been put on the side of the fridge, and it will wait there gathering dust, for who knows how long. 

 

I don't know what is more frustrating.  Not being able to have a baby, or not being able to afford to try and have a baby.