Feeling lost

 

Rough days still happen, and I think they will always happen. I try not to dwell on negative thoughts, or on dreams and aspirations because it just creates this tornado of sadness and confusion and questions, but I've been feeling particularly lost lately. I have really noticed it in the past 2-3 months.

 

It's hard to describe. It almost feels like the world is in fast forward and I'm standing still watching it zoom right past me. Everyone is busy doing things, going places, having fun and living a full and happy and hectic life. And I'm just standing there watching, looking lost.

 

I need to find a way to snap out of it. Find something different to do, maybe take up a new hobby, or find a way to spend a little more time out of the house.

 

What do you do when you're feeling lost?




28 months.

 

 

 



Never give up.

I was feeling a little blue last night. I think a lot of it stemmed down to the fact that I had a really big weekend, working lots and not much sleep in between it all. Then to mix into it, they talked a little bit about blessings of being a mother at church in the Relief Society lesson (women's group) yesterday.

I found myself, without realising, questioning why this was chosen to be my challenge. When I start on this train of thought, it really gets me down. Once I realised what I was thinking about, I knew I needed to dig myself out of the pit before I got in too deep. I went searching for upliftment, and luckily I found it in the way of a Mormon Message on YouTube.

This part of the Mormon Message was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

"I remember when I was preparing to be trained as a fighter pilot. We spent a great deal of our preliminary military training in physical exercise. I’m still not exactly sure why endless running was considered such an essential preparatory part of becoming a pilot. Nevertheless, we ran and we ran and we ran some more.

As I was running I began to notice something that, frankly, troubled me. Time and again I was being passed by men who smoked, drank, and did all manner of things that were contrary to the gospel and, in particular, to the Word of Wisdom.

I remember thinking, “Wait a minute! Aren’t I supposed to be able to run and not be weary?” I asked myself, was the promise true or was it not?

The answer didn’t come immediately. But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope.

Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessing.  The work of patience boils down to this. Keep the commandments. Trust in God our Heavenly Father. Serve him with meekness and Christlike love. Exercise faith and hope in the Saviour, and never give up."

 

 

Numb

I have been feeling really numb.  Out of touch.  Dreamy.  Strange.

 

It's an unusual feeling. 

 

Time is passing quickly.  Days & weeks are blurring.  It feels like not much has happened.  I know I have been doing a lot lately, going out, doing things, hanging out with people, doing family stuff.  I've had some massive deadlines I've had to meet.  Custom orders. So much stuff.  But it has all blurred together and it honestly feels like not much has been going on.

 

It feels like all that stuff I've been doing, didn't really happen. 

 

Emotionally, I've changed.  The way emotion affects me, is a way it has never affected me before. It's weird.  I don't get as upset as I used to talking about the fact we don't have kids, and that we haven't been able to get pregnant.  I guess that fact has sunken in a little more.  It's not as fresh and harsh. I seem to be able to just say it how it is. 

 

But other stuff is affecting me. I've been trying to figure out how to explain it.  I guess I'm struggling with "tender moments".  Last night I was cuddling my baby nephew who was extremely overtired and it was past his bedtime.  I was rocking him in his bedroom patting his bum.  He wasn't keen on the idea of going to sleep and was whinging a fair bit.  So I started singing to him.  But I had to stop after a minute, because I made myself cry. Instead I started talking to him.  I seemed to be able to handle that better. 

 

I guess the worst part about this numb, dreamy state of time blurring together, is it feels like I have my period every other week.  It certainly doesn't feel like I've had a 3 week break in between each time.  

 

Oh, and I know 18 people who are pregnant now.  Stop falling pregnant people.  It's getting really annoying.

 

27 months.

How I feel...

 

Amen.

Mad

I don't know what makes me more mad.

 

1. Finding out someone else is pregnant.  10th person in 2 months.

 

2. Finding out people have opinions about why you're not pregnant.  Number 1 opinion being because you're fat and "if she wants a baby so bad why doesn't she just lose weight, dah!". Go on, say it to my face, I dare you.

 

3. Getting my period for the 26th time when I don't want it, and getting a UTI at the same time.

 

4. Being ignored because people don't know what to say to you anymore because you're childless and it makes them feel uncomfortable and weird around you.

 

5. Finding out part of the reason some people ignore you is they think that all you ever think about is infertility and you live in a world of constant moaning and groaning and "oh whoa is me".

 

6. People telling you to be more positive. 

 

 

I really could go on.  I'm mad at the world today and I don't care. 

 

 

I don't want to talk about it.

Quite literally.  The last thing I want to do, is talk about families.  About how a family functions with children in the home.  And the last place I would want to talk about families is in public.  Anyone who is, or has experienced infertility knows what I mean.  You just eliminate that kind of talk from your life because it just causes upset.  For those who don't know, it's like being forced to talk about something that upsets you, or makes you feel uncomfortable.  It's like getting up in front of a group of 200 people and talking all about menstrual cycles, or about how someone close to you died horrifically.  You just have absolutely no desire to do it. 

 

So how do I get out of this Sacrament talk?  Any ideas?

 

 

It's exhausting

It takes it out of you all the time.  It drains you every day.  If I don't get at least 8 hours sleep I'm a wreck.  Your brain ticks non stop.  You wonder.  You mourn.  You dream.  You cry.  You try and get lost in things that you need to get done.  But it's always there.  It never leaves you alone.  You try and stay composed.  You try to cry quietly and discretely.  You can't do anything about it.  You don't have any money to do anything about it.  So you try and celebrate the small things.  But it doesn't help.  You just feel like an idiot for celebrating stupid things.  You daydream a lot.  Get lost in your thoughts.  Sometimes it's hard to do the basics.  You force yourself.  It takes days to put away the laundry.  You cook dinner but only once or twice a week.  It's too hard.  It's not like you have a family to cook it for.  Luckily you do have a husband that doesn't care though.  Phew.  You have others over that have kids and you get annoyed by the mess they make.  Then you wonder why it annoyed you.  Don't you want that?  Isn't that what consumes your thoughts? Dreams? 

 

25 months.

 

It's so confusing.  And exhausting.  And it never seems to end.

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Foot in mouth disease

Foot in mouth disease is real.  I'm sure we've all met someone with it at some stage of our adult lives. It's so sad to see how it affects peoples minds and thought patterns and the sounds that come out of their mouths. 

 

I'm a member of a few infertility forums.  I ask a question here and there.  I answer someone else's question here and there.  I read a little bit every so often.  I don't get too heavily involved because I don't want to exist in a world obsessed about not being able to have a baby.  I think on the subject here and there, and then try to push it out of my mind and carry on. 

 

I recently had a question that I posed on a forum and all I got back was "relax", "stop stressing" and "lose weight".  Some of the many things I despise most hearing about.  But you can read more about that here. 

 

Money is really tight at the moment.  I have been selling off things around the house to bring in a few extra dollars.  I am a member of a plus size women's clothing buy/swap/sell group on Facebook and have been selling some items from my wardrobe.  While I was having a look on it yesterday, I thought maybe if I asked if any of the women in the group had any hints or ideas on how to help since they too are overweight like me.  I could see from their profile pictures a lot of the women have families, so they have obviously had success. 

 

Retrospect - stupid idea.  There were many... MANY comments that were on my what you should never say list. 

 

And the winner of the Foot in Mouth Award goes to this comment: "if you can barely afford to feed yourselves, how are you going to afford a baby?"

 

*APPLAUSE*

 

She is lucky I am not easily offended and that I'm feeling a little stronger lately than I have in the past.  Because I may have punched her in the face a month ago. 

 

People say the stupidest things sometimes. 

It's just not meant to be

This is how my life feels, and has for quite some time. I'm just not meant to be successful or have nice things or have friends or kids.

Life feels so lonely. It's isolating not doing well at anything. I'm sure I've talked about this before in a post because its all feeling very familiar.

My life, it's just not meant to be. So I guess I need to get used to it and stop complaining about it.  

Staying strong

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I'm better at pushing aside feelings and emotions, and not letting myself get excited or not getting my hopes up, and ignoring things when need be - all in a bid to survive, to not get hurt and all that jazz.

 

I'm in the midst of my 24th missed opportunity.  It's exactly 2 years now.  Which is so surreal by the way.  But for a little bit there I thought it might not be.  I was having some weird symptoms.  But I didn't let myself get excited.  Sore boobs non stop for 2 weeks.  Queesy.  Funny with smells.  And my spot on cycle has been not so spot on lately it seems.  But I did it.  I didn't get excited.  I didn't think about it.  I pushed it out of my head.  When my period was late, I didn't jump to conclusions.  I didn't foolishly do a pregnancy test.  I just waited. 

 

And it came.  And I'm OK with that, for now. 

 

Still no specialist appointment.  Who has money for those things anyway? 

 

I got a free frozen fanta from Hungry Jack's today.  It was awesome.  Things like that make awful cramps seems more OK.  Pity I have a sinus infection and the frozen fanta congested me worse.  Meh.. can't win! :)

Referral

I got my referral to the specialist last week.  All my test results bundled up with a letter from my Dr, letting another Dr know I am now offically their mystery to work out.  I also found out all the problems with trying to conceive, officially point in my direction only.  Hubby has got off the hook with that one. 

 

Sad to say it, but I was kind of hoping he was the problem.  Cause if he was, then the procedures for insemination just seemed so much more pleasant to think about, than dealing with injecting hormones and all sorts of unnatural junk into my body. 

But it's all me.  So there goes that idea. 

 

The next sad  thing along that line, is there is no funds to see the said specialist.  There won't be for a long time either.  So that overstuffed envelope, has been put on the side of the fridge, and it will wait there gathering dust, for who knows how long. 

 

I don't know what is more frustrating.  Not being able to have a baby, or not being able to afford to try and have a baby.   

 

 

 

The lingo

I feel like I'm coming in a bit late in the game with figuring this all out.  I seemed to ignore the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant for about 18 months, just figuring it would happen next month, or next month, or the month after that.  What this means, is I don't understand alot of the lingo.  I haven't been reading books about infertility and infertility treatments for years.  I haven't been reading other peoples blogs and journeys for years, I've only been reading them for months.  I haven't had any specialist appointments.  I haven't taken any fertility drugs.  I haven't tried any fertility diets or crazy natural remedies. 

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So it's kind of funny when someone else in the same boat as you, finds out you've been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for a few years, and then they assume you know the lingo and start talking away. 

You have to pretend you know what they're talking about!

I know a little bit about ovulation and montly cycles, but when it comes to the full details of IVF and clomid and menevit.... I have to do the smile and nod. 

I feel like I should start reading books or something.  Right?  I mean, it's likely I'm going to be shooting up on this stuff soon, and tracking cycles and having visitations with my friend the probe again. 

And I'm yet to figure out how people can even AFFORD to see specialists, and shoot up on hormones and whatever else, when I can't even afford to get some test results from my GP......

A good week

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It's been a really good week.  I'm feeling more positive and happy.  These feelings are directly attributed to a couple of things that have happened and I'd like to share a few of them with you. 

 

1.  My husband had his "fertility test" done.  We are yet to find out the results, but the fact that he has done it helps me to feel his support through this journey.  I'm not alone in this.

 

2.  Money has been tight, so tight that this week we had no money for groceries.  My dad had a strong prompting that he needed to come over and take me grocery shopping.  I'm grateful for a kind, generous and thoughtful dad.  He was throwing roasts and steaks in my trolley.  And Weis bars!! How could I not be happy to have a full fridge, freezer, pantry and cupboard.  It has been a long time since that has been the case and relieves some financial stresses for a few weeks.

 

3.  People have been reaching out to me.  It has amazed me actually.  Thank you everyone for your kind messages, comments and thoughts.  They have made such a difference.

 

4.  I have some fresh ideas for my business.  All thanks to an amazing friend who has such talent and experience in making things work in business.  It has been a while since I've felt excited to delve into a new project, and perfecting a new design.  It feels like that creative candle has been lit again.

 

5.  I've felt the love of my Saviour.  It feels as though a big warm blanket has been wrapped around me the past few days.  It feels wonderful.  It has given me hope and renewed patience. 

 

For the first time in a long time, I'm excited about the upcoming week. 

Wouldn't it be nice...

In my eyes.

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It's Mother's Day.  It was a long day.  I feel selfish to say it, but I couldn't focus today on the great mother's involved in my life.  Only now at the end of the day am I able to think about that.  All day long I had to be strong, put on the brave face, pretend to be listening but shut off my ears to the sweet musical item, the talks and the lessons.  It was all about me holding it together.  I think I did it.  I think only two tears fell and I wiped them away quickly and composed myself again on those two occasions.  It's funny to think that I was studying the shoes of all the women in the row in front of me during the musical item to distract myself from hearing the words they were singing.  It was like when you go to the dentist and you try so hard to daydream about something else other than the drill grinding away at your teeth. 

I was walking the halls at church looking for something and was stopped by someone I have known since I was a young teen.  She stopped to give me a hug and asked me what was wrong and that I couldn't tell her nothing because she could see it in my eyes.  I told her, and that I just have to put on my happy face because I didn't want to ruin anyones day.  She hugged me tighter and told me she loved me. 

It was just what I needed to hear.  She is the reason I made it through the day.

The big vent: failure.

The last few days have been a blur. I can't even remember what I did. If I'm not crying, I'm completely numb. When I'm crying I feel alive.  When I'm numb I don't feel alive.  It's the strangest feeling and that is the only way I can describe it.

Failure is hard.  I'm failing in so many areas at the moment, and it hurts. Hurts me to my core, and makes my struggles harder to bare. 

I've struggled my whole life with finding friends. Most of the time the loneliness is bearable.  At the moment it's not. I think a lot about what it must be like to be invited over to a friends house for gatherings and dinners and birthday parties. What it must be like to just have someone you can call and say "I'm having a bad day can we do lunch". What it must be like to be able send them a text anytime of the day or night cause you need company or advice. I've never had any of those things. I think I'm a nice person.  I mean, I am getting burnt all the time because I've been to nice and people have taken advantage of me. It happened yesterday...it doesn't always pay off to be nice to someone you just met you know. I've tried to initiate a lot of friendships too. Invited over people, invited them out. No one is interested. No one responds and if they do its the polite "we have other plans sorry". And all I can think is "they have plans with their friends".

I know that i am overweight and people are judgmental. Just because I don't like eating kale and jogging every morning, doesn't mean we won't have anything in common.  Just sayin'. 

I know I'm opinionated. But most people are. I've tried really hard to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself for the past year. Purposely too. A real concerted effort, and its made no difference. And now that I have become more open about my infertility it just feels like the world is staring at you because you have a huge mole growing on your face or something. Plus sharing your struggles invites a lot of negative feelings which makes people run even faster away from you.

It's just too hard.

Sometimes it'd be nice to have a friend, and to belong to a group of friends.

Then there's money and work. I was unfairly dismissed almost 11 months ago. Now I got my payout thanks to FWA and everything, but it really hurt my feelings, like really. I know I should have let it go, but I just can't seem to. I was accused of things that were not true, I was called a liar, and I was spoken to unkindly. It feels like that was the beginning of the breaking of my spirit, the beginning of the downward spiral. 

I haven't been able to find work since. I haven't been looking super hard because hubby saw it as a good opportunity for me to work on building up my business. But that has been a joke too. Recently I read a blog post of someone who has been able to make a career out of blogging about her family and life. It was about a new goal she had made for herself that she will no longer work for free. I'm happy for her to get to that place, it must be such a relief. But it's something that has stuck with me, that phrase,"I won't work for free". I have spent the past 11 months working for free. And working long hours too, like easily 12-18 hours per day every day. My business has many different aspects and products and services and it has got me nowhere. I made about $5 these past 3 weeks. It's so incredibly depressing failing at contributing. We go without so many things because of me.

We can't afford to go see a fertility specialist, let alone do any treatments or IVF.  It's a joke. A sad depressing joke that you have to laugh at so you don't cry (again) kind of joke.

Then as I said, I'm overweight. It's a constant battle of being mad at myself, and hating the way I look and the way I am and the way my mind works. Then some days I am comfortable in my skin and with how I look. Then I am mad at myself for letting myself get away with how I look. It's a never ending cycle. Just like most overweight people I try to lose weight. Oh my gosh I've tried. Weight watchers was good, but I struggled. Then calorie counting was my best effort yet with 4 months of strict diet and losing 14kgs. But my mind won the battle once more over my body. And here I am back to where I started again. 

 

I don't know where I'm going with this post. I just feel like I need to get it off my chest. I think a lot of my emotions are compacting because its Mother's Day weekend, but my hormones are at work this week too. I'm getting tired of being sad. Literally. It wears me out. It's hard to exist in sadness. But its hard to climb out of a negative spiral too when you're failing at some of the key parts of your life.

And I guess complaining about it in this blog post will probably make it all worse. 

Wow, it's just awesome to be alive.

Guest post: 10 things you CAN say to someone who is battling infertility.

I am overwhelmed at the response after my blog post of 10 things you should never say to a woman struggling with infertility.  Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement.  If you haven't read this blog post yet (and I would definitely recommend you read it first), you can find it here. 

 

I received a lot of feedback asking that I follow up this post with "what you CAN say" so that people can learn the do's along with the don'ts as to be sensitive and encouraging to those who are struggling with this unbearable situation.  Well here you go ladies, your wish has been granted!!

 

Introducing Jess who wrote this blog post and has allowed me to share it with you here.

 

 

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I'm Jess and I wanted to start by saying that I haven't given myself the role of spokesperson for all infertile women. All of my thoughts have come from my own experience, from speaking to other women and reading (a lot!). I've had a few beautiful women who are also battling infertility read this to be sure they agree with me. If I want this post to accomplish anything it's to help support other women.  So here it is: 

10 things you CAN say to someone who is battling infertility

1. "I can't imagine what that must be like". 

Because it's true. If you haven't been through infertility you don't know the pain that's associated with it. Just like losing a child, or a loved one, or anything hard, or horrible we go through. 

If you are battling years of infertility, someone who took 3 months to get pregnant saying 'I know how you feel' just is irritating because they don't. 

2. "Can I do anything for you?".

90% of the time, you won't be able to. But when you are feeling like doing your everyday activities are a struggle and you're having a hard time finding something to be happy about, a friend genuinely saying "I don't know how this feels but I know you are in pain - can I do anything?"... that means a lot.

3. "I love you".

As an infertile women, sometimes you really don't love yourself. Your body won't do what you've spent your whole life up until this point thinking it was made to do... so being reminded that you are loved is pretty powerful.

4. Remind them you care.

Let them cry on your shoulder. Send them cards or notes. If you are both religious let them know you are praying for them. It's one of those hard times when there isn't much you can do but offer support - think about what support you'd offer a friend who lost a loved one. Someone going through infertility is mourning. Grieving for the child they want so desperately but no matter what they do, can't have. Any women going through infertility has so much love for this much hoped for child that it's hard to describe. Just knowing that they have a friend they can count on to be there lifts a heavy burden to know they aren't alone. 

 

 

5. Don't forget them on Mother's Day.With all of the joy and celebration of mothers day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Christmas and Mothers day are incredibly painful times for infertile women. It's everywhere! Mothers Day is a beautiful celebration, however it's so painful for those desperately wanting to be a mother but cannot. Having to silently carry your grief to not 'ruin' the mothers day of those you love is a hard thing for a infertile woman to bear. Let them know you haven't forgotten them. Not saying "I know you'll be a mother some day" or "You can mother in other ways" (please don't say that!) but more like, "this weekend must be really hard, just want you to know I love you and that you are an amazing woman".

 

 

6. Listen.
Infertility can be really lonely. Let them vent, cry, talk - as much as they need. Also respect when they don't want to talk about it. Caring questions about how things are going are a genuine show of concern but if the question is answered short and quickly, move on and don't continue with probing questions. She might be doing all she can to hold it together because she really doesn't want to talk about it today.

 

 

7. Support their decisions.Whether that means the type of treatment, stopping treatments, no treatment. No-one can endure all that comes with fertility treatments forever and at some point, a very hard decision about stopping will come. This will come with a grieving process and if they make that hard choice, support them and don't try to change their mind.

 

 

8. Hope with them.Don't pull out your crystal ball and say "I know it'll happen soon". Tell them "I hope it happens for you soon".

 

 

9. Keep inviting them to family / friend events.
Don't not invite them to your baby shower or birthday party (etc etc) because you think it might be too painful. That only further isolates them. Infertility is full of ups ad downs and only they can know if they can cope that day. Even if they are having a hard time they still love you and your baby and want to celebrate with you. They might say no 9 times out of 10 but continuing to invite them shows that you still want to share your life with them.

 

 

10. "That sucks".
Because it does! When it feels like every other person you know in the world with a uterus is able to have a baby when they want... it sucks! It's nice to have other people acknowledge that fact once in awhile.

 

 

and if in doubt: "I have no idea what to say, but I love you and am here for you".

Withdrawn

I've found it easier to be withdrawn lately.  I don't have to face the realities of my life when I stay in the comfort of my own home as ubruptly as I would if I spent alot of time "out".  Less questions.  Less comments.  Less judgments.  Less awkward conversations.  Less effort too.  A whole lot more pleasant, but being withdrawn comes at a price.  You are a whole lot more lonely. 

It's hard to find the happy medium when you don't fit into anyany of the typical moulds.  Everyone our age has kids.  The only couples without kids are younger and we don't have anything to do with them, and although we've tried, they don't want to have anything to do with us.  Apparently early 30's and late 20's is old, or something.   

So I've had alot of time alone with my thoughts.  Some days this is a good thing, some days it's not.  Some days I sob most of the day and sob myself to sleep at night.  But then some days I feel resolved and optomistic about the future.  I still have options.  I haven't gone down every avenue yet.

In a way being alone means I can feel and act however I need to, to get through that day.  If I need to cry it out, I can.  I don't have to hold it all in and pretend I'm having the best day ever with the fakest smile in town.  If taking a shower that day is too hard, then I just don't take a shower that day. 

So if you come knocking on my door, and I don't answer, it's probably because I've having a "no shower day", so please don't be offended.  Just leave the choccies and flowers on my doorstep, presuming that is why you were dropping over.

What am I?

I don't know what to call myself.  I have been throwing around the word infertile & infertility an awful lot lately.  But it just doesn't feel right.  It doesn't sit right in my gut.

I'm not supposed to be having any problems.  I should have had at least 2 kids by now.  What if I CAN fall pregnant and it just hasn't happened yet?  Does that mean I am not actually infertile now?  Does it mean I am just unlucky at the moment?

I mean, how long do you have to actually be unsuccessful before you can safely consider yourself infertile?  I know the Dr says 12 months.  But I'm not sure.  I think I started feeling like an infertile at around 6 months.  I still remember that Dr's visit.  I was like "what the hell is going on?".  "Why aren't I pregnant yet?"  That's the first time I heard the dreaded news that they won't even talk to you about that stuff until you've been failing for a whole year.  Because apparently you have to be practically falling apart emotionally before they will help you. 

Classy move Dr's. 

I don't even want to think about how many pregnancy tests I wasted during that time.  I think I tested myself every month, sometimes more than once.  They are expensive too.  Such a waste of money.  I don't buy them anymore.  I think I have one left in the cupboard, but there it stays. 

I've only used a pregnancy test once in the past year.  It was a few months ago.  My cycle is on the dot, the same every month.  After no arrival of period for 3 days I did a test thinking "oh my gosh am I actually pregnant, could this really be happening?"  It tested negative, and I was so sure I probably just didn't have enough pregnancy hormones raging through my body yet for it to pick it up so resolved to test again the next day (with the fellow still in the cupboard).  I didn't get around to testing again.  The red sea came with a vengeance that night along with alot of tears, disappointment and heartbreak. 

I think that night was the beginning of the end of my positive outlook.  It was the night I started wondering who I really was and what I really was.  And even though I'm still in denial, I think I know who I am now, and I think I know a better way of saying it without using that "I" word. 

I'm childless.

 

10 things you should never say

I've been thinking on this post for a while in my head.  People say hurtful things without realising it, and I think it's time they were educated on infertility comment etiquette.   So here you go, here is what NOT to say (in no particular order).

1.  Just don't think about it.
The female body was created to conceive, grow, and give birth to children.  It cleans out it's own darn uterus every single month to keep it nice and fresh and delightful for a baby to grow in.  You spend 20 odd years imagining what your children will be like, what they'll look like, wondering what pregnancy actually feels like, dreading pushing that baby out, coming up with baby names and gathering cute little items of clothing, and booties and whatever else.  So when you say this to a woman who is having great difficulty in falling pregnant, let me explain what it actually sounds like.  "Hey, you know how you eat to stay alive?  Well if you just don't think about eating, you won't ever feel hungry again!!"  Not thinking about it, is not an option.

2.  It will just happen, and when you least expect it!
Just like your arm might fall off, when you least expect it.  Seems pretty unlikely doesn't it?  Yep.

3.  Well, I'm not married so don't worry it could be worse.
That is something you can work towards changing, so it's not in the same category, sorry. 

4.  So when are you going to do IVF?
When you give me $10,000.

5.  You are going to be the best mother one day.
Although this is a big compliment, it is really sad to hear.  The biggest struggle with infertility for me is I feel like the biggest failure ever to have walked the earth.  You live every single day not knowing if you will ever actually be a mother.  This statement is a powerful reminder of what you are not. 

6. Did you know that being overweight can cause infertility?
Oh really?  Because I didn't just spend 2 hours that morning looking for something to wear that didn't make me feel like a heffalump and cry for an hour of that time about the fact that I might be my own worst enemy and I have done this to myself and why doesn't my metabolism actually work. I want to be obese and childless, said no one ever.  Oh and by the way, please explain why the vast majority of overweight women have children and I don't?  Yeah, I don't know how to explain it either.

7.  I want you to hurry up and have kids so our kids can be friends.
If your kids need friends, then take them to the park.  Seeing your kids turn 1, 2, 3, and older, is just a yearly reminder that I still don't even have 1 kid. 

8.  Being a mum is the best thing in the world, I don't know what I'd do without my kids.
You would sit at home wondering what you'd do with kids, like me.

9.  My kids are so annoying.  Can I send them home with you?  "FREE KIDS TO GOOD HOME"
I don't think I can even muster out a fake laugh for this one anymore. 

10.  We just got pregnant by accident for the 5th time in 4 years cause the condom broke.
No comment.

Oooooh the joys of infertility :)

Rough

It's been a rough couple of days emotionally.  It's a lot of work fighting off negative feelings when your hormones are raging.  Sometimes I fight it, and sometimes I try to, but it doesn't work.  This week, it didn't work.

There has been lots of tears, some of those being random outburts during commercials (they were just so touching!), lot's of questions, lots of self doubt and pity.   

These feelings have been reciprocated with love, kindness and blessings.  All were greatly needed and appreciated.

It's hard, but one day it will get better. 

Tests

So I've been having lots of tests of late.  Lots of blood taken.  My veins don't like blood tests.  They seem to sense what is going on and vanish.  I almost feel like I need to assure the nurse I'm not a druggy who has collapsed all the veins in their arm.  Last time it took 3 attempts.  She eventually got HALF a vial out of my hand.  The hand one hurts!

But my favourite test.  Oh boy.  The test that all woman would just line up to have done if they knew about it.  My Dr didn't "warn" me about it. Probably for my own safety I think.  I just thought I was having an ultrasound and xray.  I was blind sighted. 

Say hello to the probe. 

I've never studied a ceiling with such concentration before in my life.  Trumped all dentist visits, let me tell you. 

But it's all worth it.  All the "trauma" answers questions.  And I'm hoping that with answers to questions comes a plan. 

Plus I just changed Dr's, and he's excited about helping me.  I hope he can.

"So, when are you having kids?"

The dreaded question.  How do you answer it? 

I met up with a group of ladies this past week that I haven't seen in years.  Most of them I don't think I've seen since I got married over 4 years ago.  The morning of, while I was getting ready, I was thinking about the question.  It was likely that I would be asked, and I wanted to be ready to answer it. 

Caution needs to be used in your answer.  You don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.  Afterall, it's not their fault I haven't been able to have a baby.  They don't know I am having struggles.  And maybe if I answer in a particular way, it will help them to be more sensitive in the future if another woman is in the same boat as me and has no kids.

I struggled to find the perfect answer.  Do you just be upfront and say it how it is? "Well we've been trying to 22 months and it seems I can't fall pregnant."  Or do you sugar coat it? "We've been trying for a little while now but I'm sure it will happen!"  Or just kinda lie? "Shouldn't be much longer now!!!" 

I couldn't decide how to respond and I still don't know.  Luckily I wasn't asked. 

I used to be able to just say it as it was and be upfront, but I find it more difficult to be that way because it makes me sad to hear myself say it out loud.  Plus, I don't like to make people feel like a bad person for asking it when they happen to be pregnant for the fourth time in 5 years because they are extremely fertile......

Eve

This might be TMI, but I don't care.  The fact that I don't care about what people think means most people don't understand me, but that is a whole other topic. 

It's period eve.  The day before.  The day before I'm reminded for the 22nd time that I'm not having a baby.  I know it's only 22 times.  Alot have experienced it much longer than I have.  But I find it hard every month because this is my life. 

Last night I was looking at myself in the mirror.  Wondering what it must feel like when your period doesn't come and you find out the good news.  What it must feel like for your body to change to accomodate a human.  A human you made. 

I wonder. 

So it's the night before.  I'm feeling emotional and irritable.  Hormones are at work.   

How it looks.

I often wonder how my life looks to others.

I know I look at other's and am jealous about parts of their lives and wish I had what they have.  I wish we could have more freedom with money like "they" do.  I wish my metabolism worked a million miles an hour like "hers" does.  I wish I could buy the car that "they" have.  I wish I could fall pregnant as easily as "she" does.

One of my most hated statements is "you are so lucky you don't have kids".

I'm not sure what is so "lucky" about that.  

How is it considered lucky when it's actually unlucky?

I have to remind myself every single day, maybe she can afford that new dress and new pair of jeans and new pair of shoes with a matching handbag.  Maybe she can eat a block of chocolate and a tub of icecream, and never ever exercise and not gain weight.  Maybe they can afford that brand new beautiful car just like what I want.  Maybe she can fall pregnant first try. But, maybe another part of their life is hard.  Maybe their heart is breaking a little more each day just like mine because of it.

I wonder how my life looks to others.